i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
