Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
