dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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