Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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