I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A+ Viking dick
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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