Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
