I want to have your abortion
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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