I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
