Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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