I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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