last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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