Don't make out with my wife yet
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
