The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
