if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
lol hangovers are for mortals.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
