i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
