I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
