I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
