i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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