Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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