Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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