i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
