I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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