Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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