Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
