apparently the secret to your success is patron
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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