I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
smell my finger.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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