I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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