I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
