"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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