Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
