I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
