I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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