Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
