told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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