Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
