my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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