I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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