Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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