New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
