I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
