Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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