The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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