I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
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He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
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Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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