Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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