she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
