I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
