I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
