My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
