you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
