his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
