You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize