OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
