every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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